Yeah, you know how I said I was trying not to think about the arrival of the baby?

It happened that night! Their baby boy was born at about 10pm and I found out 45 mins later one of the first people I think.

I am happy for him, I really am it’s an amazing feeling looking at your baby and knowing you created him. I can’t handle hearing about the happy little family from my MIL though. I had to grit my teeth last night as she filled in all the details that I didn’t know plus way more that I really didn’t want to know.

I’m playing the happy friend but it’s hard, very hard. So much harder than seeing him get married.

He has said that he is still thinking about me despite everything else that is going on and he texts me when he gets home each night so that’s something

Had the most amazing text sex yesterday over the course of the afternoon naughty and very nice!

We’re trying to tee up a way of seeing each other. I need to touch him, feel him, hold hold him.

He was at a family dinner tonight, at his aunt and uncle’s house. I haven’t heard from him since 6.40pm

My phone is on silent so my husband doesn’t hear me getting texts. I have been checking it every few minutes to see if he has sent me another text. It’s like an addiction. That’s probably a very accurate description actually. I’m addicted to him. If I’m not texting him I’m thinking about him. I dream about him, about what it would be like to be together. Sad isn’t it?

There are texts from him that I would very much like to save, like the text he sent the other night saying “you know I love you ay?”. He loves me . He’s told me that before over the years but I always think that in the silences between us that things change. Apparently they don’t though. He still loves me. Despite the fact his wife is due to have his baby any day now. Her due date is next weekend.

I’m trying not to think about THAT.

God, I love that man. I don’t think I will be hearing from him again tonight. Guess I have to wait till morning.

xoxo Lexie

I needed somewhere to express how I am feeling. This is a place where I can say whatever I want without repercussion.

I love two men. I am married. I have a child. The other man I am in love with is married and has a child on the way.

You may say I am a bad person, some days I agree with you. So many times I have tried to break the attachment I have to Dom (that’s his name by the way – Dominic Williams) but always I can’t stay away. Neither of us can. One of us always breaks the silence.

We’ve never slept together. We’ve, how would you say it, pashed..necked..made out? Nothing really fits. We’ve met in the dark in the playground behind the dairy near his house and there was some seriously heavy petting going on in those rendezvous’s. Followed by long silent minutes where we just stood there our arms entwined, not wanting to go back to our other lives. It’s been a few years since we did that something like 7 or 8 years I think.

It killed me when he told me he had got engaged. The rock in my stomach wouldn’t go away for days but I had to act happy didn’t I. I have never asked if he felt the same way when I got engaged. The rock came back when I heard the news that they were having a baby. That was during one of the many non-contact silences we’ve had over the years so I found out from my husband who had heard the news from his mother who had heard the news from Dom’s mother.

Oh yes, that’s right, another twist, my husband’s mother is good friends with Dom’s mother. Their families used to go camping together in the summer holidays.

I’ve known Dominic since 3rd form, we met through sport and college. At one stage I was in love with his best friend and they used to come and visit me in the middle of the night. Ah, the things we do as teenagers huh? I don’t think he liked me very much back then.

I can’t actually remember when things changed or how this all began. There has always been a case of bad timing though. At one stage in college we were very close to actually going out officially but his best friend, the same one that I used to be involved with, said something to him and basically discouraged him. Needless to say things hadn’t ended amicably between myself and his best friend. By the time Dominic realised his friend was an arse for saying whatever he said it was too late and I was with the guy I was with before I met the man I eventually married.

I know it started in either 5th or 6th Form (with him being in 6th or 7th Form as he is a year older than me) and that we used to have moments in the school darkroom. God I loved those days. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something exciting happens, that butterfly feeling? That’s the feeling I used to get and for a long time, years after, still got when I thought back to those stolen moments in the dark.

What about our partners? As far as we know they don’t have a clue. He’s told me that he loves her and I’ve told him that I love my husband. And we love each other.

The love that lasts the longest is the love that can never be.